I have attended Mass in over 200 different parishes. I have visited every church in the Archdiocese of St. Louis. I have been to places I didn't even know existed. It has taken me a little over 3 years.
I'd like to say that in that time I've grown in my Faith. I'm sad to say I have not. I have grown in the intellectual sense in that I have a better grasp of why things are done and some of the history behind them. My Faith has grown no deeper. It was a pretty shallow pool to begin with and it seems the drought has affected even this.
This is the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to write this and explain. Each draft, although I've been determined to be the detached academic I am, have ended up being emotional screeds that would embarrass a teenager.
Intellectually, I know that the Catholic Church is the One True Faith. Emotionally it is a different story altogether.
The fault does not lay with the Catholic Church. The fault lays with me. I am not strong enough to keep doing this. I am not strong enough to be a part of something that has no place for me. Where I feel all the more isolated and alone.
I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry I have let you all down.