Thursday, September 27, 2012

The End.

I have attended Mass in over 200 different parishes.  I have visited every church in the Archdiocese of St. Louis.  I have been to places I didn't even know existed.  It has taken me a little over 3 years.

I'd like to say that in that time I've grown in my Faith.  I'm sad to say I have not.  I have grown in the intellectual sense in that I have a better grasp of why things are done and some of the history behind them.  My Faith has grown no deeper.  It was a pretty shallow pool to begin with and it seems the drought has affected even this.

This is the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to write this and explain.  Each draft, although I've been determined to be the detached academic I am, have ended up being emotional screeds that would embarrass a teenager.

Intellectually, I know that the Catholic Church is the One True Faith.  Emotionally it is a different story altogether.

The fault does not lay with the Catholic Church.  The fault lays with me.  I am not strong enough to keep doing this.  I am not strong enough to be a part of something that has no place for me.  Where I feel all the more isolated and alone.

I can't do it anymore.  I'm sorry I have let you all down.


  1. You have not let me down! I've been following along with all your posts, and they're great. They will also, I hope, be a great resource to continually return to, so I and others can see some of the spiritual heritage, and strange practices, present in this vast Archdiocese.

    I will keep you in my prayers!

  2. So you feel less isolated and alone when you are...isolated and alone? There is a place for you Tina, and a God who is waiting with open arms. You are in my prayers.

    1. No but when I'm isolated and alone I don't have certain feelings. Like jealously because everyone else seems to be at Mass with someone. Unhappiness knowing I won't be having little kids to eat Cheerios with during the homily. Disappointment with myself for not getting it like everyone else seems to be getting it. Anger with myself for screwing up yet another interaction with people.

      A place for me where?

  3. Hi Tina, just wanted to chime in to let you know how great this blog has been for me. It's been great to get a taste of Catholicism in St. Louis!

    I'd encourage you to be patient with yourself. Keep the faith as best you can, and trust that God is trying to bring some good out of it. If you intellectually accept things, then just be at peace with that and try to grow a little every day in a very small way. God is very happy with that!

    You'll be in my prayers for sure!

  4. I've followed your blog for a long time, and I agree with the other comments. I think there are mountain valleys in our faith journey all the time, but you are making progress even when you feel like you are not. We are always moving toward the peak, even when you are in a low spot.

    Also, I think that going from parish to parish every weekend probably doesn't help the isolation feeling. When you register with a parish, get involved. You will meet people and find people to be at Mass with.

    I don't think everybody gets it but you. You're just seeing everybody's Sunday best. Joining a parish and getting to know people is the key!

    I felt like we didn't need a parish, but now that I'm older, I recognize the benefits of joining one. I'll be praying for you! And if you decide on St. Joe Cottleville, you can sit with me at Mass. :)

  5. Tina, can you come to Mass with me this evening to celebrate All Saints Day? I think the above commenter is right - jumping around from parish to parish, while a novel idea and definitely a noble quest, has likely made you feel even more disenfranchised. You sound like you've had a crap year, with the loss of your adorable dog and your job, and that's often the time that being a part of something larger than us is the most helpful. Here's the catch: I will go to St. Cronan's at 7 pm. I know you have written about it before and I know you were dissatisfied with your experience there. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to find a few changes, but yes, there will still likely be a five-minute long Sign of Peace. And I may try to hug you, but that's just me. If you decide to come, I will be the Mom running it at the last possible second, dragging my toddler behind me, who may or may not be wearing matching clothes, depending on how her day at daycare fares. But she will certainly share her Cheerios with you (whether or not you'd like her to) ;), and I'd be happy for the company. Hope you can make it!
    In Christ,

  6. I wish you would have invited me earlier. A friend needed a ride to Mass so I took said friend to an earlier Mass.

    But maybe some other time.

  7. Sorry to have missed you, but glad to hear you were able to take a friend! We are frequently at St. Cronan's at 10 am on Sundays. Just look for me running around after my kid and introduce yourself - we'd love to meet ya