To Continue or Not to Continue

I am debating the wisdom of continuing this blog.  I'm not seeing much point in it anymore.  Then again, I'm not seeing much point in anything anymore.

When I started this blog, I had hoped to find a place I could fit in.  That was the original intent.  It has been almost 2 years.

It has been a horrendous week.  It looks as if the next 2 weeks and even the near future are going to be horrendous.  When things started to turn south at the beginning of the week, someone was like well I'm sure someone in your parish can be supportive.  I don't have a parish.  I don't have a home.

During the homily this morning, it became clear to me that I wasn't going to fit in anywhere and there was likely nowhere I could call home.

Perhaps this stems from being angry.  I am angry at myself.  I am angry at the Church.  I am angry with myself for disregarding 2000+ years of Tradition and teaching, thinking that I knew better.  After all, all those silly rules were put forth by men and what do they know about women?  What a fool I've been.  I've played with fire and I've been burned.  I am angry at the Church for not having better catechis.  It was easy for me to disregard the Teaching because I really didn't get it.  I think of the lost opportunities the Church had that might have made me come to my senses before I wrecked everything.  Of course, I could have understood the Teaching better and still made the same choices, but there's no way to know now.

I suppose it is time to come clean.  I left the Church for 10+ years.  Essentially, I lost my Faith.  I had hoped that if tried to act Catholic and do Catholic stuff It would come back.  It has not come back and is in fact even more shaky.  I'm relatively knowledgable about the Faith, but I don't have It.  It's hard to explain exactly.  I believe but I don't believe.  All I know is in this moment in time, I have never felt more unloved by God.

I did go to Mass this morning and I'll have that post up later on tonight.

Am I a Liberal or a Conservative Catholic? I Rant.

Hi all.  (I did go to Mass this morning...still working on the pics.)

I met a fan of the blog today (YAY!!! I have fans!!!!)  and over the course of the conversation, he asked me if I was a liberal or a conservative Catholic.  Based on my answers to various questions, he was like so you are this or you are this.  All the way home I thought about whether or not I'm liberal or conservative Catholic.

You know what?  Why can't I be neither?  Or better yet, both?  What's wrong with being an ordinary Catholic?  You know, one that has never actually picked up a church document.....

We got to talking about Latin vs. the venacular in the liturgy as well as music used.  The world is not going to end if the Mass is said entirely in one language or the other.  The world is not going to end and we are all not going to go to hell if chant is used instead of tamborines or the other way around.  Why are we talking about extremes anyway?  What happened to compromise?  I seem to recall that compromise used to feature in Ecumenical Councils.  It also seemed to work for the US Constitution.  On the way home I was flipping through XM stations.  On the way home from Mass, I listened to grunge, heavy metal, Christian pop song, a couple current pop songs, a couple of older (~2000-2005) pop songs, some alternative, some Sting, the Beatles, a rap song, and a couple songs from the 50s.  Oh and something from the Swing Channel.  Why can't my Catholic Mass music be like this?  Why can't I have at Mass, something old school  and something new school?  Yes.  That's right.  I want chant right next to my Haugen/Hass/St. Louis Jesuit music.  Why can't the traditions be blended??  Now I'm wondering about heavy metal chant.  As for Latin, I'm of the opinion if the words don't change Mass to Mass, then it could be in Latin.  Lord knows I tune it out in English, what's it matter if it is in English or Latin if I'm not going to pay attention anyway?  (This would be why I like bells at the Consecration.  My mind wanders.)  Really I think I'm okay with main part of the Eucharistic Prayer being in Latin.  So the part essentially from the end of the Holy Holy to the Great Amen.  The Marionite Rite says this part in Syriac or Arabic and no one seems to be keeling over from Mass said in 2 languages.

Now, some of you are saying, but Tina, you are complaining about X, Y and Z and you mentioned I, J, K. That means you're this kind of Catholic.  There are many things about the Roman Catholic Church I do not like.  There are many things I think could be fixed if the Archbishops, Cardinals and Popes were dropped into typical parishes or even inner-city parishes and were reminded of what it was like to be A.  Not Ordained and B.  a simple priest.  Yes, I think the hierarchy is generally clueless at times.  But sometimes, so am I.  But here's the thing.  No one is holding me hostage to the Catholic Church.  No one is threatening me with death if I don't go to Mass.  As an adult, I have made the conscious choice to come back to the Catholic Church.  I'll be honest, I was flirting with becoming Wiccan for awhile.  But I didn't.  The thing is the Catholic Church has rules, traditions, and Traditions.  That's what makes it the Catholic Church instead of Jake's Christian Worship Space.  All I ask is that the rules be followed.  No one said anything about liking them or even agreeing with them.  I suppose, it is called being an adult and taking responsibility.  It blows.  I'd rather have things done my way.  The Roman Catholic Church is not Burger King, I can't have it my way.  Sure I can find a parish that is musically more my style or has parish activities I'd actually want to do.  They should all be following the rules however.  It's part of what makes one Catholic.  Following rules and all.  We throw hissies when rules are broken in professional sports...why can't it be the same for the Catholic Church?  We should follow the rules and at least give the appearance we like them.  Wasn't there some saint who was all about being happy about doing little things?

And know, I'm not advocating if you don't like it pack up your stuff and go find a Protestant denomination or denomination-less Church.  I'm telling you to put your big girl panties on and suck it up.  I'm pretty sure you aren't going to like Hell.  Suffering through an hour long Mass once a week that isn't your cup of tea seems rather insiginifcant compared to that.  Offer it up.   Also, it is rather sad and seems rather anti-Catholic, to loose any member of the Body of Christ.  It seems rather uncharitable to wish people to leave the Catholic Church.

I do however like my Catholic Churches to be more classically decorated and to actually oh, I dunno, look like a Church instead of a banquet hall or barn.  You know that may be one way to get people to dress more modestly for Mass...if the space didn't look like a generic room.  If we are in a "worship space" what does it matter what I wear?  Or the baptismal font is a jacuzzi.  (needs to remember to bring bubble bath...).  If I wanted to see modern art, I'd go to an art gallery or museum.  I'm all fine (I so lie...) with more culturally sensitive interpretations of Jesus and Saints.  After all, God made us in His image and likeness.  I'm positive He wears tie-dye and birks too.  (Why yes, I did really like the tie-dye vestments.  I just didn't like the shades of green..)

I think my biggest issue is when stuff like the arm-raising and the people blessing each other thing occurs it seems fake and hokey.  It doesn't seem *right*.  It smells of chedder.   I can just imagine Jesus and the 12 Apostles sending the 72 disciples off into the mission fields with a commissioning song and a Nazi-esque salute.  Actually, no I can't.  My brain won't stretch that far.

I'm not a liberal Catholic (yes, yes I am...)  and I'm not a conservative Catholic (only way you get me in a skirt is if it is tie-dye).  I'm just Catholic.  And truth be told, I'm not a very good one at that.  So instead of being liberal or conservative, I could just try being a decent Catholic.  I suppose the first step would be to stop rolling my eyes during Father's homily....and taking that meatless Friday thing seriously...or I could volunteer...or I could pray (let's not get all crazy here)...

Year One Reflection

Hello!

So.  I've been visiting churches around the Archdiocese for one full year now.  I've put off posting because I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted to talk about.  I think I'm going to go with thoughts on a variety of topics.

In some ways, the journey has been enlightening and in some ways frightening.  Enlightening in some ways because every parish is so different, yet there are threads common to all of them, which is how it should be.  Frightening because of homilies that border on heresy and parishoners who seem to think that Mass is another social occasion.  Some of the art is pretty frightening too.  One of the reasons I started to visit churches, is because I didn't really believe the more traditional blogs (and their commenters) about how bad and irreverent the average Sunday Mass is.  I think the biggest problem is the lack of the consistency between parishes.  One parish is reverent, while another parish has puppets.  They all should be reverent.  I'll give you that the music (and perhaps art) can and maybe should be more tailored to the needs of the individual parish.  However, it should still be recognizable as Catholic.  I mean I'm Catholic, I want to do Catholic worship, not Protestant or what ever worship.  Isn't that one of the points of being Catholic; to act like it?  (And to go to Heaven....)

On my social network (Plurk), we are currently discussing children at Mass.  I'm all for it.  I'm all against the Children's Liturgy.  The Catholic Church has managed, since around 33 AD to at least until the 1980s (not sure when it started) to survive and handle children in the Mass.  I'm not sure what this big push is for the Children's Liturgy.  In the 70+ homilies I've heard, only one was even remotely difficult in that my college education was needed.  Most of them are irrelevant to me (sorry to say) and most likely irrelevant to children.  The readings aren't all that difficult to understand either.  (I'm still trying to figure out the Letter of St. Paul to the Galoshes) Do I get to have a special liturgy that is relevant for me too?  Children need to be taught how to behave in Mass and sending them out for 1/2 of it doesn't accomplish this.  Think of it as training for future careers; I can't tell you how many boring and irrelevant meetings I've sat through.  Frankly, I think it is really creepy and somewhat sad to go into a Mass and be the youngest person there, sometimes by 10-15 years.  It is sad.  The crying children don't bother me for the most part, as well, it's what kids do.  However, if they don't settle down in 5 minutes, maybe take them out to the back instead of waiting to see if they will eventually calm down.  Of course, perhaps if they are going to scream during the Consecration, maybe you should take them out before ;).  I also understand Mass can be a bit, well, boring, especially for the little ones.  I have no problem with bringing something to keep them occupied, but I really feel it should be religiously themed.  They make Catholic coloring books, plush Jesus and Mary, and all sorts of religious themed toys and books.    I have been informed there are even plushie saints and a plush Mass Kit.

My next big issue is with clothing.  Now, I'm not fashionista and have no idea what is in style (I love tie-dye.)  However, I do know that if you can't bow or genuflect because your clothing is so tight and/or short, perhaps you should reconsider your clothing choice.  I'm also a big subscriber to Jesus is my homey, so I don't really go for that uber dressed up look for Mass. (Although I did manage to dig up a long skirt and mantilla for St. Francis de Sales....when in Rome...) However, my shirt has a collar and sleeves and I have started wearing long pants consistently.  I realize St. Louis is hot in the summer, but I have yet to encounter a parish that doesn't have air conditioning.  Now some of them have had air conditioning on life support, but they still had it.  I realize the walk to the car from the door might be a little hot in clothes, but you know think of it as a reminder of how unpleasant Hell will be, should you land up there.  Besides, suffering is good for us.  Sister said so.  Also, parents, really think hard about what your lovely daughter is wearing to Mass.  I went to one Mass where some 40 year old man was oogling a 15 year old's arse (in a short skirt) for the entire Eucharistic Prayer.  And guys, I really don't want to know what color boxers you are wearing...and try to find something without stains or holes...

I have decided I like more classically built and more decorated churches.  There's nothing really wrong with modern churches or sparsely decorated churches, per se, I just don't like them.  They don't feel like a Catholic Church and they don't help me get in the right frame of mind for worship.  At some churches, I had a hard time determining if I was actually in a Catholic Church.  I like more decorated churches because sometimes my mind wanders, and looking at the statues and windows helps at least keep me focused towards God instead of something else.

I am now more convinced that Fr. Z is right and we are losing our Catholic Identity.  From the Nazi saluting people doing the blessing, to hands being upraised like the priest at various points in the Mass, to the Protestant songs being sung in the Mass, I see a more Protestantish Mass.  What I think is so worrisome, is that many (like I once was) don't know that these things are not acceptable/approved.  Father allows it so it must be okay.  Our Catholic Identity is slipping away and we don't even realize it at best and at worst, we are actively doing things to lose it.  I'm not sure what exactly should or can be done.

Have I found a parish yet?  Yes and no.  There have been a few parishes that I wouldn't mind joining and would be happy at; unfortunately they seem to be out in the middle of nowhere and well, I'm just not a country girl.  There haven't been any parishes I would run screaming from.  There were parishes I felt I would fit better in than others.

I'm really enjoying seeing how varied the Catholic Church truly is.  I'm looking forward to seeing the different rites in the Catholic Church.

Until next Sunday!

One Year Reflection: Statistical Update

If you hadn't figured it out, I'm a graduate student in education with a background in physics.  I love numbers.  So before I write the actually Reflection for the First Year, I thought some statistics would be appropriate.

Churches Visited:
68 Masses at different places (no duplicates) in the Archdiocese of St. Louis
6 Liturgical Events that were not Masses (some are duplicates)
For a total of 72 visits; of 37% of the Churches! (no duplicate visits)

2 churches/chapels have closed since I started (St. Patrick - downtown and Sts. Mary and Joseph).

I've been to:
2 different college campuses for Mass
2 Mass out of town
1 chapel that was closed
3 Masses in a language not English or Latin
1 Mass in the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite
2 Tennebrae Services
2 Stations of the Cross
1 Crowning of the Infant of Prague
3 Corpus Christi Processions
1 Taize Prayer
1 Benediction not attached to anything else

Mass Details:
Of the 73 Masses I attended:
38 had bells at the Consecration, 25 did not, 10 I didn't record either way
Eucharistic Prayer
I:  3 times
II: 25 times
III: 23 times
IV: 0 times
EP 1 for Reconciliation: 1 time
Foreign Language: 3
No clue: 2
Not recorded: 10 times

Music:
203 different songs/hymns during Mass
Has heard:
Gather Us In 7 times
Here I Am Lord 5 times
Christ Be Our Light 5 times

Liturgical Shenanigans:
Dance:  1 time
Puppets:  None (I'm rather disappointed oddly)
"Deaconnesses": 2
Blue Vestments: 1 time
Number of times my eyes rolled during Mass:  too many times to count (really surprised they aren't bouncing down an aisle sometimes)

Note:  These statistics are subject to counting errors and should not be taken as absolutes.

127 churches to go!!!!
(If I keep this pace, I'll be at 100 to go on 12/31, if I go to Mass on All Saints Day (which is moved cause it is on a Monday) and 4 Christmas Masses...


If you'd like me to tally something else up, drop me a line.

Reflections on the Precious Blood

Hi all.
No Church pictures in this post.  My social network has again agreed to blog on a common topic, this time the Precious Blood which is what July has been traditionally dedicated.

This is a hard topic for me.  I suppose the first thing I think about is why parishes use red wine that tastes terrible.  I mean really, doesn't Jesus deserve to be tasty?  I'm also rather surprised that parishes always use red.  Never blush or white.  Is it red to help us remember what it is?  But wouldn't it be easier to see a Eucharistic Miracle if the wine suddenly went from white to a blood red?

Speaking of Eucharistic Miracles, in a homily for Corpus Christi, one priest mentioned that scientists did a blood type test of a Eucharistic Miracle somewhere in Europe.  Jesus apparently has blood type AB+.  I'm rather shocked it isn't O-, the universal donor.  Wouldn't Jesus want everyone able to get His Blood? I did notice that when I went to the Eucharistic Miracle Exhibit there seemed to be a lack of Eucharistic Miracles in the United States and in the last 50 or so years.  I wonder why.  It seems like we need them more today and in the United States more than ever.

When I think of the Precious Blood, I think about the terror of actually receiving and of being tapped to be a Eucharistic Minister.  Terror not because I'm not worthy and God will strike me down in the middle of the Church, but more terror that I will drop or spill it.  I can't decide if it is because it is like sacrilege or I'd be humiliated.

I do recall learning in grade school that it was a privilege to receive the Precious Blood, that before Vatican II, the laity were not allowed to receive the Precious Blood for the most part.  I know in the Eastern churches, they receive by intinction, which is dipping the host into the wine.  I am grateful and appreciative that I have the option to receive the Precious Blood, even if I rarely do.

When I think about the Precious Blood, I think about how the St. Louis Archdiocese doesn't have a parish named after the Precious Blood anymore.  I also think about the religious order, the Sisters of the Most Precious Blood, that ran the high school I attended.

It's hard to talk about the Precious Blood, I think, because it doesn't seem as if we as Catholics think it is all that important.  It's almost an after thought it seems at times.  When you go to Eucharistic Adoration, it is always the Precious Body, not the Blood.  Saints who only eat the Most Blessed Sacrament seem to only take the Body and not the Blood.  Some of my more traditionally minded friends seem to believe that having the option to receive the Precious Blood at every Mass is unnecessary.  I think that is a little extreme.  Perhaps a happy medium of intinction would be best.

Reflections on Mary

Good Evening.  No church visit or pictures this post.  One of my fellow bloggers who is on the same social network as I am, has convinced a group of us to write a reflection on Mary, Mother of God.  I'm tempted to post the visit of the church named Mary, Mother of God, but that I think is not the point.

My mind is all over the place with this reflection, so bear with me.

Really, the first thing I think of when I think of Mary is Marian hymns.  I remember in grade school learning all kinds of Marian hymns.  Some of the most notable are "Bring Flowers of the Fairest; Bring Flowers of the Rarest"  and "On This Day"  I have nightmares about these songs.  I like "Hail Mary, Gentle Woman" the best.   Now that I think about it, you don't hear very many contemporary aka rock n roll songs about Mary.

When I think of Mary, I think of a mother.  I remember Sister Mary Anne, in grade school, telling us to pray to Mary to get Jesus to do something for us, because good boys, and Jesus is a good boy, always listen to their mothers.

When I think of Mary, I think of a wife.  She married Joseph.  I wonder what their life was like.

When I think of Mary, I think of a woman wearing blue.  Nearly every picture and statue I have seen of Mary depicts her in blue.  The only exception I can think of is Our Lady of Perpetual Help, where she is dressed in black.

But we know so little about Mary's life, other than wife and mother.  I wonder if what her activities she liked to do.  I wonder is she had a favorite food.  What is her favorite color?  Was she well known for something, like knitting or cooking?  Did she have a secret ingredient that made some dish the talk of the neighborhood?

When we look at these images of Mary, we see a perfect young maiden.  I wonder if Mary had pimples? If she had any scars from illness or accidents?  I think about her hands.  Were they rough and calloused? Were they elegant?

I also wonder about all of Mary's various titles.  She has so many different names.  How did she get them?  I know Mary is called the Star of the Sea.  Why?  I'm guessing Mary never  really saw the Sea, or  maybe she did on the Flight into Egypt.

I suppose, in reality, I'm not a very good Catholic.  I don't have this deep devotion (or any devotion really) to Mary like others seem to have.  I see Mary as a wife and mother, neither of those vocations I feel called to at this particular time.  I know Mary is a woman, but we know so little of her life outside of wife and mother, it doesn't really speak to me.

I guess when I think of Mary, I think of the mother I wish I had.  Mary is so idealized that it is hard to really identify with her.

Memorare

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,

 that never was it known

 that anyone who fled to thy protection, 

implored thy help, 

or sought thine intercession 

was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence,  

I fly unto thee, 

O Virgin of virgins, my mother; 

to thee do I come, 

before thee I stand,

 sinful and sorrowful. 

O Mother of the Word Incarnate, 

despise not my petitions, 

but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

Mary, Queen of Heaven

St. Anthony of Padua

(I think...)

First Reflection on the Journey

As I write this, I have visited 35 of the roughly 200 churches in the Archdiocese of St. Louis, or 17.5% of them.  As Lent starts next week, I thought I would look back on what I have learned and discovered so far.  So here it goes, snark and all.

I really have to say, I miss being part of a larger community.  I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal to go to a different Church every week.  It is hard to describe.  I guess the best way to explain it is as a sense of isolation.  I wasn't seeing the same people every week.  I wasn't building any kind of relationships or community.  It is getting really, really hard.

Perhaps my biggest concern, issue or thought-process is, what does it mean to be Catholic?  How is being Catholic different from being Protestant, Jewish, Muslim or some other religion?   Is there such a thing as Catholic Identity?

• As I sit in some of the more modern churches with the abstract art or the churches that have incorporated elements from Protestant churches, I have to sit and wonder about Catholic Identity.  What makes a Catholic a Catholic?  It has to be more than fish fries in Lent.  I'm not against modern architecture or modern art.  I love modern art.  I love Keith Herring and that guy who does splatter paintings.  I love art that makes me think.  But, to me, that is not the purpose of art in a Catholic Church.  The art in a Catholic Church is there to help me understand God.  If I can't even decipher what the artist is representing how does that help orient me towards God?  I remember in religion class learning about stained glass windows.  The stained glass windows were a way for the illiterate to learn some aspect about the Church.  The windows would depict Bible and Gospel stories, saints or Mysteries of the Rosary.  Again, I love stained glass and I love modern stained glass, but I don't like it when my Church stained glass doesn't help me understand the Mystery, but rather are a mystery.  I guess what I'm saying is that I want my Catholic Church to look Catholic.
• I worry that the Catholic Identity is diluted at best, lost at worse, when we incorporate elements of Protestant worship in Mass.  Perhaps the best example I can give is raising hands at parts in the Mass.  Some people, like Fr. Z, would say this is because there is confusing between the role of the laity and the role of the clergy.  I think it is much simpler.  Catholics are exposed to these things, and because they don't have the background, they think it is a very neat thing they should adopt.  I'm not a Pentecostal, I'm Catholic.  If I wanted to be Pentecostal, there is a Pentecostal church a block from my house.  I don't like it when my Catholic Mass has been mutated into something not quite Catholic and not quite Protestant.

I think I finally understand what Fr. Z is getting at.   Once we reclaim or strengthen our identity as Catholics, I think the rest of the issues will solve themselves. As Pope Piux XII says "Let the rule of belief determine the rule of prayer."

I could spend a great deal of time about the music I've heard.  This is what happens when everyone gets their music from the same source, everyone has the same music, which is good because I know what the songs are for the most part.  It does get monotonous after awhile.  At this point, I'm still liking guitars and other non-organ instruments in Mass.  However, Mass is not a rock concert nor is it a performance.  Well I guess it is a performance of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. (PS.  It's not a performance for you either Father.)  Stop clapping for people doing their jobs at Mass.  Additionally, I was always taught that the music should reflect the theme of the readings, Father's homily, the season, or maybe if it is a Marian day, a Marian Hymn.  Some places are really good about this and some are really really bad about this.  This also connects to Catholic Identity.  Why are we singing songs that I hear on TV for Time-Life?  Are there no modern Catholic composers?  Must we swipe the Protestant stuff?  I know some people call the music drek...but can't we have Catholic drek?

Nearly every week I'm unhappy with the intentions or the Prayers of the Faithful.  I was always taught that the first intention is for the Church, then for civil authorities, then the social justice concerns and then intentions specific to the local community.  It is amazing how many places do not pray for the Church or for civil authorities.  I'm also shocked that in this Year for Priests, more places aren't praying for priests in the intentions.

Probably the thing that aggravates me the most about Mass is the Extra-Ordinary Ministers of Holy Communion.  Is it really necessary to have 8+ ministers? One Mass had 8 plus the priest for 100 people.  Really.  How did my grade school manage with 4 total for 250 kids?  I understand in cross shaped churches if there are sets of ministers in the arms and in the center but when there is one main aisle, why are there four people distributing?  Really?  We can't spend an extra 5 minutes in Mass?  We can't sing an extra verse?

I guess the other thing that annoys me is the noise in church.  Perhaps I'm having flashbacks to when, in 8th grade, I asked my friend what song we were on and I got assigned a tower.  You don't talk in Church, unless you are dying, and even then I'm pretty sure it was more acceptable to keel over.  Yes I'm guilty of talking in Mass, even of snickering through a homily (or two).  It is amazing to me how loud it is in Church before and after Mass, I wonder how anyone can pray.  Can't you hold your conversations in the narthex or outside?  Yes I'm guilty of this too sometimes.

I lied.  The thing that aggravates me the most is not coming on time to Mass (families with little kids are excused).  That drives me insane.  You get to work, to school, to games on time, get to Mass on time.  I can't believe how many people come late to Mass.  You'd think the fact they almost always have to walk up to the front pews while Mass is ongoing would teach them.

On the whole, it has been a positive experience.  I've heard a number of good homilies and a number of homilies that make me appreciate Fr. B all the more.  I've heard music I wouldn't normally hear.  I've seen churches (and areas of the archdiocese)  I would have never ever have gone to.  I'm experiencing the big tent of the Catholic Church and it is rather cool when you sit and think about it.

Most importantly, I think undertaking this project has made me a better Catholic in a way.  Before I started this project, I was rather content in my knowledge as a Catholic.  Now, I actually do research and question things as I write each post.  I've learned a great deal.  I've also had to practice charity (some of you have no clue as to the posts that descended into snark-fests), understanding and looking at things from different perspectives.  I've experienced or plan to experience different liturgies and prayers the Church offers.  I've met many nice people.  It's been a blast!

Holy Spirit

Window from St. Francis Xavier, the College Church

FYI:  I'm not stopping...I still have 165 to go!