Sunday, May 22, 2011

To Continue or Not to Continue

I am debating the wisdom of continuing this blog.  I'm not seeing much point in it anymore.  Then again, I'm not seeing much point in anything anymore.

When I started this blog, I had hoped to find a place I could fit in.  That was the original intent.  It has been almost 2 years.

It has been a horrendous week.  It looks as if the next 2 weeks and even the near future are going to be horrendous.  When things started to turn south at the beginning of the week, someone was like well I'm sure someone in your parish can be supportive.  I don't have a parish.  I don't have a home.

During the homily this morning, it became clear to me that I wasn't going to fit in anywhere and there was likely nowhere I could call home.

Perhaps this stems from being angry.  I am angry at myself.  I am angry at the Church.  I am angry with myself for disregarding 2000+ years of Tradition and teaching, thinking that I knew better.  After all, all those silly rules were put forth by men and what do they know about women?  What a fool I've been.  I've played with fire and I've been burned.  I am angry at the Church for not having better catechis.  It was easy for me to disregard the Teaching because I really didn't get it.  I think of the lost opportunities the Church had that might have made me come to my senses before I wrecked everything.  Of course, I could have understood the Teaching better and still made the same choices, but there's no way to know now.

I suppose it is time to come clean.  I left the Church for 10+ years.  Essentially, I lost my Faith.  I had hoped that if tried to act Catholic and do Catholic stuff It would come back.  It has not come back and is in fact even more shaky.  I'm relatively knowledgable about the Faith, but I don't have It.  It's hard to explain exactly.  I believe but I don't believe.  All I know is in this moment in time, I have never felt more unloved by God.

I did go to Mass this morning and I'll have that post up later on tonight.


  1. You might want to take a step back from your blog for awhile as you try to figure out, not your place in the Church, but your relationship with God, since this is where it all begins. In a very solitary and quiet place, have a one to one conversation with Jesus and ask Him to show you how to love Him and ask Him to do it for you. Get the foundation right and the problems with the Church will seem like what they really are, just human beings being human. My prayers are with you.

  2. I don't know how to have that conversation. I don't know how to build that foundation.

  3. No, we never do - that's why we have to ask Him. Believe me, when my spiritual director told me I had to 'fall in love' with Jesus, I didn't know how either. So, on the drive home from our meeting, I pulled over and simply spoke to Him, saying, "Jesus, Father P said I have to fall in love with you, but I don't know how. Will you do it for me, please?" That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship, that's all I can say. You'll never reach the destination until you take the first step. Prayers and God's blessings on you. Feel free to email me if you just need someone to listen.

  4. Do you have a spiritual director? Email or call a priest you've met that you think is awesome, and ask if you can meet with him. You need that person-to-person spiritual support at times like this :)

    I'll send up some prayers for you (and Jake!).

    I've really enjoyed you blog, but if you have to take a hiatus (we all do sometimes), so be it!

  5. I don't have a spiritual director....hmmm. Can you recommend one?

  6. I just found your blog today- I'm loving it. I'm sorry that you're going through this... I feel like I know how you feel. I've left the Church a while ago.... And I felt just like how you say you have knowledge of the faith but you don't have the Faith. I even spoke about this about a year ago in front of hundreds of people. I gotta tell you that I am finally figuring things out and I don't know when I'm going to get back, but I think someday I will. I have the utmost love and respect for the Church. If you ever want to talk about this stuff, email me. Or maybe by now you've found someone to talk to. I hope you're feeling better about things. I think faith is a journey- up and down. Right now you're in a mountain valley- continuing to make progress but in a low spot. When you come out of it, you'll be even stronger and more faithful than ever. I know that will happen someday.